Art Guys
Carpal Tunnel
routine
Two wacky doctors come out and address audience, as they arrange a surgery table and put on rubber gloves (i.e., put a latex condom around each finger)
SCREEN-R: mexican-disclaimer.jpg
SCREEN-L: medieval-carpal-tunnel-full.gif
DOC 1: Do you ever have a tingling in your wrist, after working on the computer all day? Our new Remote Carpal Tunnel Syndrome Micro Cyber Surgical Procedure can cure all that.
DOC 2: Most common doctors still cling to the outdated anatomical theories. (points to screen). Which assumed the human hand to be a series of levers and cogs.
The two doctors look at each other and give a loud, shrilled, forced laughter.
SCREEN-R: C2 Ambroise Pare drawing of mechanical hand
DOC 1: We now know, of course, that the hand is composed of transistors and wires and chips!
SCREEN-R: Luke Skywalker hand??
DOC 2: And that tingling, ultimately debilitating carpal tunnel disorder of hand, is caused not by any physical, servo-mechanio-carpal stress from typing at all! New keyboards, mousepads, wrist-pads, chair-heights, all rubbish!
DOC 1: It has nothing to do with *how* you type
DOC 2: But *what* you type.
DOC 1: By typing in the incorrect binary proportion of 1's and 0's--
DOC 2: The basic units of computer logic!
DOC 1: You can skew your body's own natural info-parity balance!
DOC 2: May we have a volunteer from the audience? Is there anyone who works on a computer at home or office?
Then they get some volunteer from audience.
Set them on a table.
Cover them all up with white sheets.
Then attach the fake hand (ie., super-soaker water pistol, filled with red water, and a fake hand-- say a latex glove-- over the top of water-vessel).
They begin operating, sticking cables and taping wires all over volunteer's arm. Employ some sorta head-mounted camera on their heads and/or hands.
DOC 1: We will now insert a small orthoscopic camera into her wrist and begin removing the excess bits and bytes of bad information from her hand's circuits...
SCREEN-C: gotesque video of operation, superposed on another angle
SOUND: gurgly, wet, Pain-teens-esque sounds
DOC 2: And intravenously feeding in the correct proportion of 1's and 0's from our handbook
SCREEN-R: egypt-glyps-dada.gif
Doc-1 halts, ecstatic look on face, as he wildly, alternately looks from videoscreen to egyptian chart on wall.
DOC-2: Do tell! A moment of discover!?
DOC-1: If we reprogrammed the information flowing into every organ of the human body, using nerve-netic recombinant feedback sampling to every orifice with a teeny-tiny nano-robot jet-ski-ing thru the bloodstream!
DOC-2: I don't follow you.
DOC-1: We could cure Old Age!
DOC-2 (also ecstatic now): Old made new!
DOC-1: Adieu to Adieu!
DOC-2: Now I follow you!
DOC-1: And I follow you.
DOC-1: And I follow you...
Doc-1 and Doc-2 go out center stage and dance a circle around each other, singing "And I follow you/ And I follow you...."
DOC 1: Oh, rats!
(blood leaking on floor).
DOC 1: Don't be alarmed!
DOC 2: That's right... er... you must stop thinking of it as blood... it's actually just...
DOC 1: red data!
DOC 2: yes! Raw Red Data.
DOC 2: And now we will insert new DNA data into her hand, so that the correct genetic algorithms will continue to be executed by her cells hard drive modems...
(add lib nonsense as they scrub thru the video, and point at the snake picture:)
SCREEN-R: dna-snake.jpg
DOC 1: This DNA html code is from recombinant Pit-viper... now let's see, go down 3 turns of snake, to the funny-hat snake, that's an 'A'...
DOC 2: Then a 'G'
DOC 1: up three scales to the right, a 'C' and an 'T'
DOC 2: A-G-C-T... what's it spell?
DOC 1: Art Guys Carpal Tunnel---
Then hand explodes!
