Qualities of an Ally*

Being an ally on LGBT issues is the process of working to develop individual attitudes, helping institutions to evolve, and transforming society into one in which gay, lesbian bisexual and transgender people matter. This work is motivated by an enlightened self-interest to end to end homophobia and heterosexism.

An Ally

• Has worked to develop an understanding of homosexuality and the needs and the strengths of gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgendered persons.
• Chooses to align with LGBT persons, responds to their needs and gains from their strengths.
• Believes that it is in her/his self-interest to be an ally.
• Is committed to the personal growth required.
• Is quick to take pride and appreciate successes.
• Expects support from other allies.
• is able to acknowledge and articulate how patterns of oppression have operated in his/her life.
• Expects to make some mistakes but does not use it as an excuse for non-action.
• Knows that both sides of an ally relationship have a clear responsibility for their own change whether or not persons on the other side choose to respond.
• Knows that in the most empowered ally relationships, the person in the non- homosexual role imitates to change toward personal, institutional, and societal justice and equality.
• Knows that he/she is responsible for humanizing or empowering his/her role in society, particularly as his/her role relates to responding to LGBT persons.
• Promotes a sense of community with the LGBT community and teaches others about the importance of outreach.
• Does not expect that he or she will automatically bond with or even like every LGBT person they meet, thus allowing for the fact that people are people, with their own unique characteristics, regardless of their sexual orientation.
• Has a good sense of humor.

*Adapted from: Cleveland State University, Office of Diversity and Multicultural Affairs Website.

Being an Ally for LGBT Individuals*

These are some guidelines for people desiring to be allies for lesbians, gay men, bisexuals and transgendered individuals. In today’s world, LGBT issues are being discussed more than ever before. The discussions taking place in the media, in classrooms, in churches, in offices, on the streets and in people’s homes are often highly charged and emotional. This can be challenging as well as exciting. This list is by no means exhaustive, but provides a starting point. Add your own ideas and suggestions.

• Don’t assume heterosexuality. In our society, we generally assume that everyone we meet is heterosexual. Often people hide who they really are until they know they are safe to come ‘out’. Use gender-neutral languages when referring to someone’s partner if you don’t know the person well. In general, be aware of the gender of the gender language you use and the implications this language might have. Also, don’t assume that transgendered individuals are gay or lesbian!

• Educate yourself about LGBT issues. There are many resources available, reading lists and places to go for information. Don’t be afraid to ask question.

• Explore ways to creatively integrate LGBT issues in your work. Establishing dialogue and educating about LGBT issues in the context of your other can be a valuable process for everyone regardless of sexual orientation or gender. Integration of LGBT issues into work you are doing instead of separating it out as a separate topic is an important strategy to establishing a safe place for people to talk about many issues in their lives.

• Challenge stereotypes that people may have about LGBT individuals as well as other people in our society. Challenge derogatory remarks and jokes made about any group of people. Avoid making those remarks yourself. Avoid reinforcing stereotypes, myths and prejudices.

•  Examine the effect sexual orientation and gender have on people’s lives and development. Identify how race, religion, class, ability and gender intersect with sexual orientation and how multiple identities shape our lives.

• Avoid the use of heterosexist language, such as making remarks implying that all people of the same gender date or marry members of the other gender. Respect how people choose to name themselves. Most people with a same sex or bisexual orientation prefer to be called gay, lesbian or bisexual people rather than homosexual. ‘Queer’ is generations), but don’t use it unless you are clear that it is okay with that person. If you don’t know how to identify a particular group, it’s okay to ask.

• Don’t expect members of any population that is the target of bias (e.g. gays, Jews, people of color, women, people with disabilities) to always be the experts’ pertaining to their particular identify group. Avoid tokenizing or patronizing individuals from different groups.

• Encourage and allow disagreement on topics of sexual and gender identify and related civil rights. These issues are very highly changed and confusing. If there isn’t some disagreement, it probably means that people are tuned out or hiding their real feelings. Keep disagreement and discussion focused on principles and issues rather than personalities and keep disagreement respectful.

• Remember that you are human. Allow yourself to not know everything to make mistakes and to occasionally be insensitive. Avoid setting yourself up as an ‘exert’ explore your own personal feelings. If you think you have no prejudices, it might be a good idea to spend some time reflecting on that issue. To be human is to have prejudices. Recognizing our own bias is the first step in eliminating it.

• Ask for support if you are getting harassed or problems are surfacing related to you raising issues around sexual orientation and gender identity. Don’t isolate yourself in these kinds of situations and do try to identify your supporters. You may be labeled as gay, lesbian or bisexual, whether you are or not. Use this opportunity to deepen your understanding of the power of homophobia and heterosexism. Make sure you are safe.

• Prepare yourself for a journey of change and growth that will come by exploring sexual and gender identity issues, heterosexism and other issues of difference. This can be painful, exciting and enlightening process and will help you to know yourself better. By learning and speaking out as an ally, you will be making the world a safer, more affirming place for all. Without knowing it. You may change or even save people’s lives.

• Don’t be discouraged when change does not happen overnight. The homophobia and heterosexism in our society and throughout the world are the result of hundreds of years of misunderstanding and fear. You may feel that once you come to truly understand the issues, the rest of the world will immediately follow suit. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Change sometimes happens more slowly than we would like, and sometimes occurs in very small steps. Take time to celebrate the same victories along the way. They each make a difference.

*Adapted from: Cleveland state university, office of Diversity and Multicultural affairs Website

What We Can All Do to Help*

What if you’re sitting with a group of friends, and a couple of them make an obnoxious comment about gays, lesbians, bisexuals or transgender persons—what could do?

• Ignore it
• Refuse to laugh
• Casually leave
• Use “soft” confrontation and tell them it’s not funny or nice
• Offer information to give a different (more accurate) perspective
• Tell them your feelings/attitudes about gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgenders
• Ask them not to make such comments you

What’s hard about some of these responses?

• Could be ridiculed
• They might get mad at you
• Friends might get mad at you
• Create an awkward situation

What’s the trade-off? What will you gain if you confront them?

• Gain self-respect
• Gain respect from friends
• Support a closeted gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender person in group
• Model acceptance of differences for friends
• Increase your sense of personal integrity

What could do if a friend tells you a “rumor” that a peer or colleague is supposedly gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered?

• Ignore her/him
• Tell him/her you couldn’t care less
• Tell her/him it doesn’t matter to you if s/he is LGBT
• Tell him/her its harmful to pass on such information
• Say that if she/he is gay, that’s its her/his right to come out only to people if she/he wants to and they have no right to violate that trust.
• Ask him/her not to tell anyone else
• Talk about the abuse LGBT persons can experience from those who are ignorant

A lot of programming and activities are offered on campus and some of it is designed for heterosexuals without considering the interests or needs of LGBT individuals. What activities do we have that in some way could exclude LGBT’s or at least not recognize their needs and interests?

• Health care and other benefits for students and their spouses that does not extend to same- sex partners
• All dances
• Valentine’s Day activities
• Graduation events that recognize husbands and wives of the graduating students but not their lesbian or gay life partners
• Using references to popular music, TV shows, movies, heterosexuality, marriage, etc. (generate ones specific to your environment)

When a LGBT person comes out to you, try to be aware and/or remember that:

• The LGBT person is apt to have spent many hours in thoughtful preparation and shares the information with keen awareness of the possible risk.

• There is no way for the LGBT person to predict your reaction accurately. The LGBT person has no way of knowing in advancing if you will be able to shed years of heterosexist and/or homophobic training. Such an intimate offering of self is a gift to be handled with caring and gentle hands.

• It is important to understand that the LGBT person has not changed. You may be shocked by their revelation, but remember this is still the same person as before. Don’t let the shock lead you to view the LGBT person as suddenly different or that they have somehow deceived you by not telling you sooner. You now know that this person can love someone of the same gender completely—you have no reason to believe suddenly that this person is morally depraved, emotionally unbalanced, or lacking in integrity

• Don’t ask questions that would have been considered rude within the relationship before this disclosure. This person has the same sensibilities as before.

• However, you may well need to do some “catching up” Some common questions are:
  • How long have you known you are…? (Gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender)?
  • Is there someone special in your life?
  • Has it been hard for you carrying this secret?
  • Is there some way I can help you?
  • Have I ever offended you unknowingly?

• Be honest and open about your feelings. It makes the sharing more complete and makes change possible. If you find hard to believe, say so. If you find you are reacting with emotional repugnance but want to learn more so you can throw off your prejudice, say so. If your feelings are totally negative, you can say that too. It is a possibility that the gay person has certainly considered and risked. But in fairness to yourself, admit aloud that negative feelings may change, so that the door might be open for you to return if you are able to get past your training. LGBT people are accustomed to hurt, but with someone close the rejections may hurt too much and they may have to get away.

You may well be tempted to break the bond you have with this LGBT person. Though he or she has not changed, the information now confronts you and your homophobic training. A conflict may be inevitable. Just as some people develop specific phobias (heights, snakes, deep water, etc.) many people take in the antigay messages of the culture and develop homophobia. It is a disability like others phobias and you can get help with it through psychotherapy, provided the therapist does not share your phobia. But just as the person who is phobic about deepwater may be unaware of anything more than a discomfort in the presence of gay people and the desire to avoid them. If you are prone to homophobia, you will be strongly tempted to rid yourself of this previously valued relationship by quick rupture or (if that induces too much guilt in you) by a slow under minding of the relationship. If you see the symptoms and want help, try to find a gay-oriented psychotherapist. Don’t risk unknowingly working with a counselor who shares your homophobia. If you destroy the relationship, chances are the gay person will be hurt, but survive, having been preparing through life for such a reaction on you part.

If your homophobia is of the very mild variety (like the person who can take the elevator up twenty stories but does not want to visit the tallest building in the city) you can get help from reading and from making social contacts with more gay people. Prejudice thrives on the lack of contradictory information. Integration destroys stereotypes. The more LGBT people you meet, the better the chances of ridding yourself of mild homophobia.

        If you know or suspect that someone you know is gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered and have not yet been told, appreciate the fear and anxiety that inhibits the disclosure. All you can do, usually is to make it openly known that you support LGBT people. Actions speak louder than word, however. LGBT friends and LGBT-oriented reading materials in your home do more than announcements of pro-LGBT feelings, which can sound phony.

--From Loving Someone Gay, by Don Clark.

*Adapted from: Cleveland State University, Office of Diversity and Multicultural Affairs Website for University of Houston Food for thought; April, 2007